One for luck

My husband brought this inside for me this morning as I drank my coffee. He has a knack for finding them. I am going to need all the luck this little baby can bring me. I am trying something new.

I have been on and off antidepressants since I was 24. With rare exceptions of brief and lovely periods of time, I have remained depressed. The last 6 months have been horrific. Over the weekend I considered ECT and suicide. Just try to schedule a good time to kill yourself- there is always something coming up that would make it a bad time- children's programs at the library, youngest child leaving for college, nephew's birthday party. You see? No good time.

And ECT? Still a rather frightening prospect.

So here's what I decided (after speaking to my husband so he would understand what is going on)- I am detoxing from everything. I am cutting down caffeine, cigarettes, OTC medications and Effexor. I am increasing my water intake, changing my diet and planning to get back on my bike and in the kayak. And of course, get into the water.

The side effects of the Effexor are terrible and exacerbate physical symptoms I already have. Going off of it is worse. I feel like a heroin addict going through withdrawals.

"The lightening flashes through my skull; mine eyeballs ache and ache;
my whole beaten brain seems as beheaded, and rolling on some stunning ground."
- Herman Melville

Yup, that's what it is like.

We will both be watching carefully to ensure that I don't slip under too far. I need to be able to discern actual physical issues from side effects and taking the meds doesn't allow for that.
If the problems I have been experiencing, aside from the depression, are still present after a few weeks of detox, I will get myself up to DC or NY to see a doctor.

Am I crazy, or stupid? Maybe. But why continue to take medications that do not work? It seems as self abusive as the other things I am trying to combat like not taking care of myself. In addition to the changes mentioned above, I am once again working on setting limits with people who drain me. That will be the most difficult task.

I have some good things going on and I would like to enjoy them and use them to inspire me to continue doing what I love; writing and creating art. I have done none of that in far too long. I recently had a poem chosen as an Editor's Choice in the Allen Ginsberg Poetry contest and a collaborative project featured in Somerset Studio magazine.

It has been 6 days so far....